a reality check

We were all flying high with The New Year and the creation of our list and our "we can do it as long as we do it together" attitude.

And then February came.

I haven't even come close to writing twice a week. Matt and I have made very little time for our relationship. He's not really handling this business with the grace and aplomb that he was so certain would carry him through 2010. Not that I blame him...but it's all very interesting.

How easy it is to be on top of the world when you're off and running and nothing has stepped in your way. Now is the real challenge - the obstacles are being thrown up left and right. How do we get around the obstacles to accomplish our goals?

It's interesting to see how the difficulty in our individual lives affects our relationship as well. It's the first time in a long time that we've been arguing over stupid little things. We're both tired (who isn't with a 10 month old?) and it's hard not to pick on each other. As I sit and type, I want to scream into the other room, "Is it really necessary for the entire NEIGHBORHOOD to hear you eat your fucking icecream?!?!?" But it's been a bad day for Matt so I'll refrain even though the sound makes me want to vomit. He just exclaimed that it was delicious. Yes darling, I could hear. Oy - he's getting more. I'm not sure I'll be able to hold myself back this time.

Matt is having a week where he hates this business and everyone in it. It's hard for me not to wonder when he'll learn that this is the business he's in. It frustrates me but I hold my comments back for now. But I get pissed - because I have to live with him and his attitude and his loud ice cream eating.

But this too shall pass. I'll give him the weekend to wallow in self-pity. And then it's time for me to remind him what he's setting out to do and that he's going to have to get a little bit of a thicker skin to do it. Perhaps that's not how I should phrase it...but it's what I'll mean.

I'm in the process of looking for work. And with every turn, I find myself asking if I actually want to go back to work. Forget that I haven't even had an INTERVIEW yet. But somehow I still manage to find ways to panic about whether or not this is the right thing, am I ever going to see my child, will she hate me for the rest of her life for abandoning her and every other possible ridiculous thought I can come up with. Especially ridiculous because have I mentioned that I haven't even been on an interview yet? Yeah. So essentially I'm totally insane.

So we've come up against of week of not so great. Let's chat in a few days. It's amazing how it doesn't take much to turn everything around. Maybe a slight attitude adjustment will make a large difference.