a reality check

We were all flying high with The New Year and the creation of our list and our "we can do it as long as we do it together" attitude.

And then February came.

I haven't even come close to writing twice a week. Matt and I have made very little time for our relationship. He's not really handling this business with the grace and aplomb that he was so certain would carry him through 2010. Not that I blame him...but it's all very interesting.

How easy it is to be on top of the world when you're off and running and nothing has stepped in your way. Now is the real challenge - the obstacles are being thrown up left and right. How do we get around the obstacles to accomplish our goals?

It's interesting to see how the difficulty in our individual lives affects our relationship as well. It's the first time in a long time that we've been arguing over stupid little things. We're both tired (who isn't with a 10 month old?) and it's hard not to pick on each other. As I sit and type, I want to scream into the other room, "Is it really necessary for the entire NEIGHBORHOOD to hear you eat your fucking icecream?!?!?" But it's been a bad day for Matt so I'll refrain even though the sound makes me want to vomit. He just exclaimed that it was delicious. Yes darling, I could hear. Oy - he's getting more. I'm not sure I'll be able to hold myself back this time.

Matt is having a week where he hates this business and everyone in it. It's hard for me not to wonder when he'll learn that this is the business he's in. It frustrates me but I hold my comments back for now. But I get pissed - because I have to live with him and his attitude and his loud ice cream eating.

But this too shall pass. I'll give him the weekend to wallow in self-pity. And then it's time for me to remind him what he's setting out to do and that he's going to have to get a little bit of a thicker skin to do it. Perhaps that's not how I should phrase it...but it's what I'll mean.

I'm in the process of looking for work. And with every turn, I find myself asking if I actually want to go back to work. Forget that I haven't even had an INTERVIEW yet. But somehow I still manage to find ways to panic about whether or not this is the right thing, am I ever going to see my child, will she hate me for the rest of her life for abandoning her and every other possible ridiculous thought I can come up with. Especially ridiculous because have I mentioned that I haven't even been on an interview yet? Yeah. So essentially I'm totally insane.

So we've come up against of week of not so great. Let's chat in a few days. It's amazing how it doesn't take much to turn everything around. Maybe a slight attitude adjustment will make a large difference.

Thoughts

Feeling less “here we come world” this week. Have “written” but haven’t really written. Blurbs here and there catch as catch can. Lots been going on in my head and little time to get it out here. I had about 20 things I wanted to write about and now can’t remember a single one. I’m sure I’ll remember at 4 AM and then I’ll forget in the morning again. Having trouble finding a routine but desperately feeling the need for one. I want to write – feeling as though I need to write more and more. Seem to sit down to do it when I’m tired. Not enough time in the day – blah blah blah. And sometimes I just want to take a beat to relax. Do I have to schedule that TOO? I think it’s time to shut this book and open it tomorrow – it’s a new day and hopefully a more positive one.

A Different Approach

Last night we had dinner with 2 of our close friends – a friendship that has felt a little rocky to us as of late. Matt and I – both individually and together – have felt sort of “replaced” in their lives. Like now that we have a baby, we’re not as much fun, not their choice to spend time with. We’ve sort of felt like leftovers. It’s been going on long enough and been enough of a conversation between the 2 of us that we decided that it was time to talk to them about it – because it was one of those things that was leaving us not wanting to spend time with them and feeling badly when we did. It was undoubtedly affecting the friendship in a negative way. We knew that if we didn’t say something, that it would continue – and that we would continue to be negative about it – and ultimately, it would probably not end well. Further, one of this year’s common goals is to be more positive about the relationships that we have and truly care about. In other words, shit or get off the pot. We decided to shit.

We talked about how we wanted to approach the conversation in advance. With compassion and with love. We figured that if we were able to do that, we had the best chance of a good response and if we didn’t get it, then we would be learning something more about the friendship. And at the end of the conversation, Austin turned to us and said, “I just want you to know, I really appreciate the way you guys approached this. You were very loving and not at all aggressive – you left us no reason or room to be defensive. You just expressed yourself honestly and left room for a true conversation.” And that’s exactly what we had – a warm, loving conversation in which our concerns were addressed and resolved and heard. It took all of 20 minutes and then we had the most fun with them that we’ve had in 6 months.

I don’t know how this would have gone in another year, or last year. I don’t know if it was so successful because we came from our common goals. But I can't imagine that it didn’t help for us to be there to remind each other what we wanted to accomplish and the way in which we wanted to accomplish it. In another time, I’m pretty sure that I may have been more aggressive or passive-aggressive at least. I probably would have been more snarky, more accusatory, less caring. Matt probably would have pointed fingers and told them everything they did wrong. And to what end? Instead we did it better, with love and without accusations. We just told them how we felt and why we felt that way and why we wanted to feel differently. And in the end, we got exactly what we wanted and in exactly the way we wanted it.

The beginning

I created a URL called www.commonyear.blogspot.com. But it's sort of the exact opposite of that actually. I anticipate that this year will not be common at all. At least that's the goal. It's the year of the common goal. The year where we sat down on January 2nd (because we were just too damn tired on January 1) and we made a list of all the things we want this year. Things we want to happen, to buy, to do, to be. How we want to show up in the world and how we want the world to show up for us. Things like go to Paris and buy a new car and sell 3 new shows and write twice a week and have more compassion for people in general. Things like finding a charity that we want to get involved in and practicing yoga and quitting smoking (ahem - not me...and I'm making SURE that one happens.)

We want to see if it makes a difference. In the way we support each other through it. In the general outcome of all of our goals. And I'm going to write about it. For the next 365 days (ok wait -there are already 4 days gone)...for the next 361 days, I'm going to write about it and follow this year and see what happens. So here it is - the beginning.